All Posts by ‘RubyCardinal

Post

We Will Get There

7 comments

As you know I’ve been in a funk.

(Hence why I haven’t posted in a while)

Jon and I have been having issues.

One of my insecurities is feeling unloved and unwanted.

His flaw is not showing affection.

I get how it use to be, where men don’t show their feelings.

But why?

That’s dumb.

Men have feelings. Just because they are men they have to hide them?

No.

That is not how humans are suppose to work, just because they are a certain sex.

That does not give my husband an excuse to hide his feelings.

That’s not fair to anyone.

Especially me.

So for awhile there I was pushing him away.

Even when I wasn’t talking about mine.

Jon and I have a tendency of being silent until I get so upset and say mean things.

I never mean them.

He knows this, but it doesn’t mean he still doesn’t hurt from the things I’ve said.

That is the very first thing I need to work on to make us better.

He’s my world.

His insecurity is he’s afraid of loosing me.

As I’m sitting there thinking, “Then try harder!”

I’m still wrong.

I need to show him he won’t lose me especially since I have told him that he might.

I still want him. I still love him.

We just know how to get under each others skin.

Even when I hate him and think things will get no where, I still love him.

My stomach still gets butterflies.

These are things I need to tell him more.

Mind you we are a young couple, we are still evolving.

Sometimes not changing together.

We are getting there.

But I will be damned if I let my marriage fail.

He’s my one.

He’s my ultimate best friend.

You think I’m going to let that go easily?

Fuck that.

Post

Sinking

11 comments

I struggle.

I have a hard time even being in my own skin.

Like I’m drowning.

Drowning in thoughts and sadness.

If a wave of thoughts just took me, would that be such a bad thing?

They take me everyday.

Will anything ever be good enough?

That bitter taste of life.

Bills, stress, anxiety…

God must have said “Hey bless Felicia with this life.”

Besides my family, what use am I getting out of it?

I’m fighting.

I’m struggling.

I’m stressing.

You can say I need to fight to get what I want, but does it need to be so fucking hard all the time?

I say I hate being in my own skin, that’s just another fight alone.

You know me by now. I’m super loving, but why can’t I love myself and my life.

Why is it never good enough?

Why can’t I just feel okay?

Okay…Such a long word.

Life vs myself vs just shut up and get over it, right?

I try.

I’m shocked.

I can’t do it just as much as the person reading this.

I will, hopefully.

I will make something of myself.

You feel that, but as you step further and further into the ocean, eventually the current wants to take you.

You fight back, but realize… Wait a second? Everything will be okay if you don’t fight.

Right?

You can’t hold on to your last breathe forever.

Post

Spark ✨

7 comments

Guess what?

Date night tonight!

Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, but I need a break.

The girls are going to my in-laws.

Thank god for them or I would have to hire a babysitter.

Best part about date night is I actually get to talk to my husband.

No distractions.

No phones.

Turning all technology off.

Just the two of us, finally.

Having kids is a lot of work.

A lot of mom, mom, mom, mom, watch this, mom look at me, mom I want to do this, mom let’s go do this, mom, mom, mom.

Sometimes you get a little frustrated because your not getting the time you need with your spouse so the “spark” disappears for a bit.

Well not tonight. That “spark” is going to be lit!

Date nights are perfect to unwind. Stop being so uptight. And just take a breath.

I can’t contain my excitement!

We are going to get all dressed up, drop the girls off, go and get a couple drinks, then come home and just hangout. KID FREE.

Sounds perfect to me, especially since I was sick all week.

Cheers to love everyone 💕

Post

Your Stuck With Me

9 comments

Through pain, there’s friendship.

The friendship that makes you feel blessed.

That makes you feel something.

The feeling that another human loves being your friend. You have to be doing something right. Right?

I remember being in sixth grade. That’s where I met my best friend.

We did everything together.

All of our teenage shenanigans together.

We would hangout as much as possible, until we didn’t.

She moved. I moved even further.

We would talk here and there until one of us stopped.

One time we didn’t talk for a year or so, but we picked up right where we left off.

That’s a beautiful thing.

I can say I’m super blessed to have her in our lives.

We have been best friends for 11 years.

Can you believe that?

Friends like her are hard to come by these days.

She’s trustworthy, loving, caring, so honest.

She loves my beautiful baby girls. They know she’s going to stick around.

I love seeing my girls scream in excitement when I tell them she’s coming over.

She is one of the strongest people I know.

She works her ass off, but still makes time for us.

When things were going wrong in my life, she would drop what she’s doing just to be here for me.

I can honestly say, I wish I would’ve been a better friend like she is.

There were times she needed me and I wasn’t there for her.

I’ve been a shitty friend at times.

I can seriously say she’s always tried.

Sometimes you just don’t realize what you have.

I’m changing all the time. Friendships are changing all the time.

I just want our friendship to never die out because we are best friends. I can’t loose that.

This was hard to write because I can’t even express the things we went through. We didn’t have the best home lives, but we had each other to understand.

All the love that was given. All the happy memories. You would’ve had to live it with me to understand.

I just hope everyone who has friends understands you need to value what you have.

Be blessed.

Be happy.

Love.

Always cherish.

Everything can be taken in an instant, but I refuse to let our friendship go.

“No matter what, no matter where”

Love you Mikayla 🖤

Post

Forgotten

13 comments

You dont know him.

You met him once.

He’s an amazing guy, but you never had the chance to give any approval.

He treats me so incredible.

Better than any man has treated you.

You gave no one a chance.

Not even me.

Only yourself.

What the fuck happened?

What was the change?

We use to take in homeless people, and just love everyone.

But you couldn’t even bare to know my now husband.

You couldn’t go through my pregnancy with me.

You couldn’t even try to come to our wedding.

Or congratulate me when I have a good job.

More then what you could say you have.

Just be there.

Jokes on me, right?

It’s hurts me just as much as it hurts you. Or does it?

Hey mom I’ve been here. Did you even realize?

Or are you to cockblocked to even give a fuck?

My hate is coming out and that’s not who I am.

I’m this magical, amazing, strong woman, but damn do you bring my feelings out!

I think your lost forever!

I hope not, but after all this time can things really be changed?

I pray one day you will come around.

Make a dinner with me.

Watch a movie with me.

We go shopping together.

We celebrate birthday parties together.

You help make food for the party.

You get to know my husband and you think, damn he’s a great fucking guy.

We go and get mani and pedis together.

We make adventurous memories together.

Ones that didn’t involve you drinking.

My girls tell me all these crazy stories about how grandma took them down to the pond and you almost fell in or something silly happened.

How their smiles came from their grandma.

“Grandma taught me this today mom!”

Only in my dreams.

I will never hear that.

But I want to.

As I sit here crying and writing this.

This is my dream.

I have hope.

I always will.

How the fuck can I forgive someone who CHOSE this? Like all of us were just an option for you.

I’m not this sappy bitch.

I’m a courageous person.

You took a lot from me.

How can I forgive you.

You brought me here. Why would that ever be fair to my soul?

Your a burden to my heart.

I need to move on for my sanity.

It’s not fair to live with this heartache.

I missed out.

You missed out.

I pray you find your way.

My way is more important.

Maybe when your drunk and you say “I’m sorry” it will bypass.

If you don’t remember, I’m your twin.

We look alike. Well at least we used to.

I look in the mirror and see you when you were my age.

I’m reminded everyday that I’m from you.

How the fuck can I forgive you when I see you every fucking day of my life?

You just don’t see me.

Post

Your Loss

19 comments

Are you happy mom?

Are you happy you left us?

The last words you said to Kylie were, “I will see you very soon.”

That was 4 years ago. You still haven’t seen her.

Last time you saw her, you were falling all over the place, drunk.

We were just at a fair, you couldn’t contain yourself for an hour?

You abandoned me when I was a little younger, that’s one thing.

On top of that, you abandoned my beautiful babygirl.

Your granddaughter.

You know she still asks about you?

“Mom, what about your mom?”

I still till this day have no idea what to tell her. I’ve been trying to come up with an answer for quite sometime now.

At one point I didn’t think I deserved you in my life.

Fuck that, you just didn’t deserve me in yours. Now my points are valid.

You missed out on my beautiful daughters.

You don’t even know their voices, their goofy attitudes, the laughs that would make your heart melt. The dreams they have…yeah your not in them.

Your a stranger. You made it this way.

My youngest never even met you.

Penelope is too young to understand.

Is this what you wanted? Because you accomplished that, didn’t you?

There’s no laughs, no pushing on the swings, no giving your grandkids sugar just to hype them up for their parents, no hugs, and no loves. Those grandma kisses you don’t get to experience, but then again neither do they.

Was it worth it?

Was it worth the loss?

Was it worth the beer?

You already hit rock bottom.

What’s next?

Post

Be Your Voice

23 comments

I honestly thought that my dad and his ex girlfriend were going to work out.

They were a toxic relationship. Always pissed off and yelling.

Dad asked her to marry him a few times.

She said no. Red flag. Things probably won’t work, right?

Unless he changes his ways, but why would dad change for the better? No, that’s too time consuming.

One day I hear her scream.

She comes to my room and says do you know anything about this!?

She’s holding a condom wrapper that she found on the side of her bed. Clearly it wasn’t her’s.

(Wonder why that’s there, some things never change)

Yes, I took the fall. I covered for my dad.

I told his girlfriend that I was at my friends house blowing condoms up like balloons, and accidentally brought one back with me.

That never happened.

She’s still pissed, but somewhat believes me.

She has to question my dad when he gets home.

I hear him saying: “Yeah that was not me, I work all the time, I don’t have time to cheat on you,” blah blah blah.

Then I started hearing my name and realize he’s going along with my story.

Why did I cover for him?

He was always mean and aggressive towards me, but yet I lie and cover for him?

He came out of the hallway and we just shot each other a look.

Never talked about it again.

Until a few years ago. I asked how many girls he cheated on her with.

He says seven.

Seven women. Seriously?

No wonder why she wanted better.

I was so mad at her for leaving and taking my brother and sister along.

Never letting the family see them again.

It sucks, but how can I blame her?

From woman to woman, we need to do what we have to do for our own sanity.

For our own happiness.

Looking back, I probably should have taken her side.

I know there was a lot more going on then just cheating.

You just don’t know what happens behind closed doors.

Until you hear stories from the other women he’s been with.

Hence why my dad and I don’t talk much.

I will be my voice and never let any man talk down on me, including my own father.

I refused to be belittled because I’m just a woman.

We are not weak. Women are powerful.

Be your voice.