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Forgotten

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You dont know him.

You met him once.

He’s an amazing guy, but you never had the chance to give any approval.

He treats me so incredible.

Better than any man has treated you.

You gave no one a chance.

Not even me.

Only yourself.

What the fuck happened?

What was the change?

We use to take in homeless people, and just love everyone.

But you couldn’t even bare to know my now husband.

You couldn’t go through my pregnancy with me.

You couldn’t even try to come to our wedding.

Or congratulate me when I have a good job.

More then what you could say you have.

Just be there.

Jokes on me, right?

It’s hurts me just as much as it hurts you. Or does it?

Hey mom I’ve been here. Did you even realize?

Or are you to cockblocked to even give a fuck?

My hate is coming out and that’s not who I am.

I’m this magical, amazing, strong woman, but damn do you bring my feelings out!

I think your lost forever!

I hope not, but after all this time can things really be changed?

I pray one day you will come around.

Make a dinner with me.

Watch a movie with me.

We go shopping together.

We celebrate birthday parties together.

You help make food for the party.

You get to know my husband and you think, damn he’s a great fucking guy.

We go and get mani and pedis together.

We make adventurous memories together.

Ones that didn’t involve you drinking.

My girls tell me all these crazy stories about how grandma took them down to the pond and you almost fell in or something silly happened.

How their smiles came from their grandma.

“Grandma taught me this today mom!”

Only in my dreams.

I will never hear that.

But I want to.

As I sit here crying and writing this.

This is my dream.

I have hope.

I always will.

How the fuck can I forgive someone who CHOSE this? Like all of us were just an option for you.

I’m not this sappy bitch.

I’m a courageous person.

You took a lot from me.

How can I forgive you.

You brought me here. Why would that ever be fair to my soul?

Your a burden to my heart.

I need to move on for my sanity.

It’s not fair to live with this heartache.

I missed out.

You missed out.

I pray you find your way.

My way is more important.

Maybe when your drunk and you say “I’m sorry” it will bypass.

If you don’t remember, I’m your twin.

We look alike. Well at least we used to.

I look in the mirror and see you when you were my age.

I’m reminded everyday that I’m from you.

How the fuck can I forgive you when I see you every fucking day of my life?

You just don’t see me.

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I’m a mess, a loving, caring, working, try to put my makeup on everyday, always smiling or to exhausted to function, mess. But it’s okay I wouldn’t change it for the world. Follow my journey, you and I will figure things out together!

13 Comments Join the Conversation

  1. Oh, Hun… I’m sorry you have this much hurt going on, and that it’s such a struggle to work through. But I see you are working through it, you’re being an amazing Mom to your girls, and one day, you’ll be an amazing grandma – despite what your mother chose. Don’t let her bitterness and burden become yours. You deserve better than that.

    Liked by 3 people

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    • Thanks love 💛 I really just needed to write it down before I exploded. Truth is I don’t want her in my girls life because of the hurt she put me through. She’s toxic I know this. So I needed to let my toxic out about her. She’s missing out. My girls and I are not. I just need to let her go and I’m trying my best. Just hurts to know that no matter what I’m always missing out by her actions.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  2. You made a great point in your response to Liz: “I needed to let my toxic out about her.” That reminded me of something my wife learned in counseling, that we must not let those who hurt us in the past continue to damage our lives in the present. In other words, don’t let your toxic back in. I sense that you are trying to move ahead, and wish you all God’s graces as your work continues– Mike

    Liked by 3 people

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    • Thank you! I am trying I really am. Just hard some days. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. A lot of comments I receive really help me through my process 💛 God bless 🌻

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      Reply

      • Please allow me one other thought that might be hard now: your mother doesn’t have to be part of your life right now; you have that right. But if she should someday straighten herself up, truly get past her own issues, and want to be a part of things again, I hope that you won’t become too hardened to consider giving her a chance. For now, certainly, do what you need to do to take care of yourself and realize how special you are. Take care.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Your right and this is one thing I told myself. I need to let her go for now and what happens happens. Right now i just need to really figure things out. Im afraid every move I make I’m her. I don’t want to be her. I just want to be me. But she’s always creeping up in my day to day life. Thanka for your advice 💜

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  3. This is my kinda blog. I seriously loved everything about your blog. Yippie!
    I hope you both figure out things and your mom’s turns back.😘😘

    Liked by 1 person

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