As you all know, I struggle.
I struggle loving myself.
I struggle some days with just being happy.
I struggle thinking I’m not the greatest mother.
I struggle even in my own relationship.
See, Jon and I are perfect for each other, but we have our flaws.
I’m super hard-headed, he’s super hard-headed.
When I’m irritated I just shut down. Or say things I shouldn’t.
Believe it or not, we have come along way.
Screaming at each other, slamming doors.
So furious and hard-headed, we would refuse to let up for god knows why.
I’ve said many things to him that I feel bad about still to this day.
No one should ever say the things that I said to my own husband.
Somethings I don’t remember saying, but it still plays in his head.
I’m truly blessed by this man who stood by my side no matter what.
We all know why I was like this. I never dealt with my inner self at the time. I was just a ball full of hate with little love to give. Actually I blamed Jon for the longest time, but seriously what the hell did he do to me? Besides shut down when I was so mean to him. Makes sense right?
Yes I made it through all the bullshit my parents put me through, but never emotionally.
You get set in your ways no matter how fucked up the situation you were, or are currently in.
You see your mom go through relationship, after relationship, after relationship, after booty-call, and so on. You see men talk down on her and abuse her. She tries to fight back, hell you even stand up for her and scream at the assholes too. But it never worked. They always won.
That’s just it, when I feel unwanted or upset about the littlest problem, I get in fight mode.
Not literally fight. Just I go from 0-100, fast.
I recognized my wrongs and know that I’m not living in that life anymore. I don’t need to be in fight mode especially, with my husband.
I’m learning, we all are.
Our marriage isn’t perfect because a perfect marriage is next to impossible.
We work on us everyday. We are pretty great I would say.
My ways have changed a lot. We have grown this crazy, amazing, mutual, loving respect for each other. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
To my husband: I’m truly sorry for the mean things I have said to you over the years.
You are my world.