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Saddened

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I remember I was playing with my siblings when my mom called me into her room, after she’s already been drinking at the kitchen table for hours. Her usual.

She has this wire in her hand and asks me for help to strip it, because she needs the copper for her pipe.

Heartbroken that it came down to this. Daughter helping her mom to get high.

I kept telling her no, it’s not right.

It’s hard enough knowing she gets high. I can smell it through the apartment. But it’s a whole other thing to help my mom get her “treat.”

Knowing it was wrong, I helped her anyways. She begged me like she was so helpless.

Nights going into the city because she had an extra 20 dollars.

Being in the rough side of Milwaukee while she ran inside to get her score.

Leaving the kids and I to just sit there waiting.

My siblings didn’t know what was going on, but I did.

Her van had already gotten stolen once before when her boyfriend Jason went to the city to feed his addiction.

Stolen from drug dealers.

Jason was gone for 3 days.

Nobody knew why. He was a pathological liar, or just an addict.

His stories never added up.

In the end, no matter how much he went on his binges, mom was never pissed that he was gone. She was only pissed that he wouldn’t bring some back for her.

It pains me to say this, but my mom loved me most when she was high.

Her loving me. Finally.

It was better then her screaming at me.

Or calling me names.

Threatening me.

Even though every night I had to drag her to bed because she passed out half on the chair and half on the floor.

I can honestly say she was the number one cause of making me feel worthless.

Hiding my sadness with a smile.

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I’m a mess, a loving, caring, working, try to put my makeup on everyday, always smiling or to exhausted to function, mess. But it’s okay I wouldn’t change it for the world. Follow my journey, you and I will figure things out together!

28 Comments Join the Conversation

  1. ..aww guys, you are never worthless! Some people may always have the tendency to overlook others potential and uniqueness, because they are just too busy trying to impress others. You will always be a blessing, specially to the people around you who doesn’t see how much you care for them no matter what the circumstances are – and that differentiates you from the rest.

    As for the post, it deeply moves the heart to sympathize with the writer; making the scene real and the reader begging for more.

    Liked by 2 people

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    • Well I’m glad my writing keeps you wanting more! But yes I do know I’m not worthless now. The situations I went through are just the feelings I was feeling at the time. They linger here and there from time to time but otherwise I’m a lot better and overcame a lot of feelings! Thank you so much for taking the time to read. It makes me happy 💕

      Liked by 1 person

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  2. Omg, you have no clue how happy and greatful you have added me my man NEEDS to read your work you and him have lived so simular it is not even funny like I am crying Because we both need to hear/read your work like no joke! Thank you soooo Much @RubyCardinal you are a god sent when my fiance and I needed it the most. Once again thank you for sharing your story. Also my story can be found on https://thelongjourneytorecovery.wordpress.com
    once again thank you so much!

    Liked by 1 person

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  3. Wow! What you’ve been through! My mom brewed beer and my dad was the village drunkard (never drank mom’s beer though). Then one day, each in their own time, they found Christ. My mom went to heaven 5 years ago. Dad is still alive, still saved.

    Liked by 1 person

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  4. Excellent post reflecting on those with challenges and how it affects others. Well done and keep writing. Thank you for following BrewnSpew.

    Liked by 1 person

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