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Better Now

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Being broke. We all know it’s one thing to be broke, but it’s another to be broke with a drug addicted, alcoholic mother.

I told you that my mom kept popping out kids. Which meant more mouths to feed.

The worst part was when we were living in this cheap, rundown apartment.

She would get 900 dollars a month in food stamps and sell the food stamps for money.

For crack and alcohol.

I can never say we were malnourished. There was food in the fridge, sometimes.

What I can say is we were hungry.

Go into the fridge there was milk.

Go into the freezer there was ice, for her liquor drinks.

Go into the pantry, couple canned foods and a loaf of bread.

There was never enough food to eat.

Always having to fend for ourselves. Me always having to whip up something so my siblings could eat. I wouldn’t eat until they were done.

I don’t want to paint a picture of us having the worst life with her because you could see her love hiding through her drunk, so you held on and dealt.

Most nights when I would close my eyes, I would picture my mom, siblings, and I swinging at the park, repeatedly telling myself I love her and she loves me. Just so I could peacefully get a good night of sleep.

I realized first hand that it wasn’t just the 900 dollars my mom used from the food stamps. She also used people.

I can’t say that my mom was involved in prostitution (because I don’t know), but there was always a lot of guys coming through.

She would go after the men and their families for the money they had.

Like when she met Jason. She became pregnant with Angelina. Jason’s mom would meet us at Walmart, and my mom would rack up a bill with all the non necessities that Jason’s mom would pay for. All the most random, non-needed shit put in her shopping cart.

THEN SHE WOULD LAUGH.

I had to go with it because really, where else would I go? She would kick me out in a heartbeat.

It was the most ugly, in-human situation I could’ve been around.

I don’t surround myself with negativity.

Now I’m at the point where you couldn’t pay me to be around my mom.

I had hope.

Now all I hope for is to be the mom my mom couldn’t handle being.

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I’m a mess, a loving, caring, working, try to put my makeup on everyday, always smiling or to exhausted to function, mess. But it’s okay I wouldn’t change it for the world. Follow my journey, you and I will figure things out together!

14 Comments Join the Conversation

  1. I think you’re there. Being aware of abuse so you don’t repeat it, is – painful, but you know better. You want better for your kids. You want healthy kids, not ones that have gone through the muck you did. I’m so sorry your mom put you through this – and I’m impressed by your courage and resiliency.

    Liked by 4 people

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      • for your children you are the best role model, but there will be many of the hidden patterns in your subconscious life which can affect your child.. I would just like to say..
        Imagine yourself at your mother place.. and tell yourself “N” no. of possibilities what you did, and why you did.. The more you understand your mom the more easier it will be to forgive her..
        You never know what she faced in her childhood?

        Liked by 1 person

  2. As someone who was in my own horrific childhood & raised two awesome sons, I think you will be amazed with each step that you take. You are conscious and aware. My guess is that you’ve probably built a beautiful village and you would reach out for help if you needed it.

    As far as forgiveness, I don’t believe you need to unless you want to. When you’re ready, you can detach from the hell you went through. Letting go is about putting yourself to a healthier place. Whatever you decide, I believe you got this.

    Liked by 2 people

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    • The only issue is when my mom did start talking to me, she would have this thing over me that I can’t really explain. But I believe her every time. I don’t really know what I’m getting out of this besides relief. I’m feeling better. Forgiveness maybe it will come or maybe I already forgave but I don’t know yet. I’m just writing really. Thank you by the way!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  3. Regina talks about a similar childhood. Alcohol, lack of food, etc. One thing I have noticed is that the more dysfunctional the parent(s), the stronger the coping mechanism the child needed to survive. The coping method is brought into adulthood, where it often causes damage. Healing is hard and some can’t. God will heal if we are willing, but these things which took years to build take years to heal. My wife and I are loving life, powerful for God, and still need more healing. God bless you

    Liked by 2 people

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      • Just read the second story. Powerful. My oldest daughter has a great life, good husband, 3 kids, but will not see her mother at all. I see her frequently, but her mom can do mind games. (previous wife, not Regina) Keep healing, It gets better!

        Liked by 1 person

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