Being broke. We all know it’s one thing to be broke, but it’s another to be broke with a drug addicted, alcoholic mother.
I told you that my mom kept popping out kids. Which meant more mouths to feed.
The worst part was when we were living in this cheap, rundown apartment.
She would get 900 dollars a month in food stamps and sell the food stamps for money.
For crack and alcohol.
I can never say we were malnourished. There was food in the fridge, sometimes.
What I can say is we were hungry.
Go into the fridge there was milk.
Go into the freezer there was ice, for her liquor drinks.
Go into the pantry, couple canned foods and a loaf of bread.
There was never enough food to eat.
Always having to fend for ourselves. Me always having to whip up something so my siblings could eat. I wouldn’t eat until they were done.
I don’t want to paint a picture of us having the worst life with her because you could see her love hiding through her drunk, so you held on and dealt.
Most nights when I would close my eyes, I would picture my mom, siblings, and I swinging at the park, repeatedly telling myself I love her and she loves me. Just so I could peacefully get a good night of sleep.
I realized first hand that it wasn’t just the 900 dollars my mom used from the food stamps. She also used people.
I can’t say that my mom was involved in prostitution (because I don’t know), but there was always a lot of guys coming through.
She would go after the men and their families for the money they had.
Like when she met Jason. She became pregnant with Angelina. Jason’s mom would meet us at Walmart, and my mom would rack up a bill with all the non necessities that Jason’s mom would pay for. All the most random, non-needed shit put in her shopping cart.
THEN SHE WOULD LAUGH.
I had to go with it because really, where else would I go? She would kick me out in a heartbeat.
It was the most ugly, in-human situation I could’ve been around.
I don’t surround myself with negativity.
Now I’m at the point where you couldn’t pay me to be around my mom.
I had hope.
Now all I hope for is to be the mom my mom couldn’t handle being.