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Last Words?

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This weekend I was at a bonfire. Just having fun with friends. I then found out my dad was in jail.

He’s been in for a month.

I didn’t know my own father was in jail.

His last message to me was one of those random goodbyes.

I’m like, where are you going?

No reply.

I just don’t understand why people live this way.

When I get into an argument with anyone I get mad, like any normal human being, but then I think, oh no, what if those are my last words, or their last words.

I get fearful of arguing with my husband. I don’t want my last words to him to be something I regret.

The relationships/ friendships I have mean so much to me.

Abuse, suicide, murder, accidents, not waking up, etc.

HAPPENS ON A DAILY BASIS.

I try to love and care for everyone around me.

My dad just doesn’t.

I didn’t even know he was in jail. He didn’t care enough to tell me.

Honestly, if something bad ever happened to my parents, I probably wouldn’t even know about it. My mom was in a mental institution after her attempted suicide for a few weeks before I even found out.

That’s just it though, it shows that they don’t feel worthy of life.

They act like living sucked the life out of them. But in reality they did that to there own selves.

I refuse.

I will always make sure that my loved ones know I love them. I have tried over and over again to fix my relationship with my parents. But because I’m not fucked up enough, they refused.

I can’t have wrongful words be the last thing a loved one hears.

We only live once.

I’m going to live it all…are you?

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I’m a mess, a loving, caring, working, try to put my makeup on everyday, always smiling or to exhausted to function, mess. But it’s okay I wouldn’t change it for the world. Follow my journey, you and I will figure things out together!

29 Comments Join the Conversation

  1. Loved this. Thank you for sharing! I feel the same sentiments dealing with a mama clean 6 months as much a we know, but struggling since 2007. It’s hard when you feel more like the parent vs the child! Def feel you, girl! Stay positive working to make you and your husbands life positive! Good read!🤗

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    • Yes, “parenting the parents”… Too bad that doesn’t go on a CV, eh? I work hard not to let my last words to people I love be harsh – even when I’m ticked. I don’t need that going out into the world. Stay true to being a force for good!

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  2. It was really nice. Stay strong stay happy 🙂 It’s very nice to see that you are mature enough to keep your emotions aside during a fight & think about the other person.. Not many have this quality!!

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  3. This is powerful in that it is raw with emotion and an obvious outlet for piecing together your struggle and recovery. Thanks for sharing.

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  4. Blessings and thank you for the follow. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I was never very close to my parents and always had to be the bigger person. Live a life with no regrets but live it for those who count the most and for yourself 💕

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  5. What a lovely mess you are! A young lovely mess. I’m an old lovely mess, and? like yourself? I’m going on regardless! Let’s go on together from now on. How’s that? I’m following the Spirit within you, lovely one. So are you following the Spirit within me. Much love, thia. 🙂

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