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I’m Beautiful, I’m Ugly

27 comments

There are many days I don’t like looking in the mirror. I’m not happy with what I see. My “mommy pouch” is hard to look at. All the weight I lost just to still have that saggy pouch be there. But I’m beautiful, my husband says. I want to believe him, I really do. But the only way this pouch is going to go away is if I get a tummy tuck and really who has the time or money for that? Not me. I’m stuck wearing a high waisted bikini for now.. that’s okay, looks sexy at times.

So I deal and try to love myself.

I barely leave the house without my hair extensions or my full face of makeup on. Even going to the gas station, Walmart, quick stops. Stupid right?

I think it’s all my passed experiences that brought me to this point.

I get so jealous of those girls that are naturally beautiful. No make up, nothing.

But I’ve had a low self esteem since I was 12.

I started cutting myself.

Definitely not because I wanted the attention.

Not because I wanted to die.

Only because it made me feel something.

I would be numb. With all the shit I was going through, and how it would never stop being one thing after another.

Eventually I couldn’t feel anything besides that.

Dad didn’t help out with that, he just made it worse.

At the time my mom was sober for a few months, and she was back to her normal self. Had her own place, full time job again. Everything was good on her end. I just wanted to live with her again because I thought she was better. She was done with rehab. I bagged. I cried. I screamed.

The only way I could move in with her was if she paid my dad to let me.

Isn’t that something?

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I’m a mess, a loving, caring, working, try to put my makeup on everyday, always smiling or to exhausted to function, mess. But it’s okay I wouldn’t change it for the world. Follow my journey, you and I will figure things out together!

27 Comments Join the Conversation

  1. You are valuable and it does not depend on the value that your mom and dad placed on you. They didn’t realize the gem that was you because they were too involved in self medicating their own pain with drugs and alcohol so they missed seeing who you were. Precious!

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  2. It’s easier said than done, but if your husband says you’re beautiful then it’s best to believe him. My wife has the same issue – low self-esteem, and doesn’t want to believe me when I say that she’s beautiful. But I mean it each and every time. Hopefully you don’t worry too much about what other people think, because what do their opinions about you matter in the long run? Self-esteem is a tough nut to crack, but you can get there. It’s just important to try and believe in yourself. I battle with that every day myself. Best of luck to you!

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  3. You are a Child of God. He made you. He don’t make no junk! Believe in Him. Believe in yourself. It’s easier said than done, but nothing is impossible with hope, love, and faith. I have faith that you will find hope and self-acceptance. You already have the love. Count your blessings and put on your Jesus glasses! He sees only the beauty in you!

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  4. Hey! Mommy tummies and stretch marks aren’t beauty fails, they’re battle scars. You’ve done something amazing and miraculous to get such things. 🙂 Your writing is clear and has a good cadence and there’s now a church lady out there praying that you’ll see all those positives and experience God’s absolute best for you and your family. Blessings!

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    • Hey I tell myself everyday. I am proud that I got my battle scars from my little babies but now that I’m done having children I want my body back and I want to feel sexy. I want to be happy in alot of aspects in life and one of them is my body. Your right though. I need to be happy with what I have but at the end of the day I want to feel sexy and beautiful for myself

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  5. You write with honesty and sincerity that is sharp. This post seemed to change focus from body image to something else at the end in my impression.
    I like the clarity of your writing, the length is exceptional for the internet. I hope you like feedback because I do and it helps me improve. I suggest you connect back to the title at your conclusions.
    Please read my post from April 2018 called Embrace Your Ugly and let me know your suggestions.

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    • Thank you for the feedback ! I’m still learning. Never once did I think I was even a writer until I started blogging. I will definitely read your post, thank you again!

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  6. Hi, I definitely can relate to feeling ugly. My husband says I’m the most beautiful woman he has ever seen but all I see is ugly. This is my motivation to work through the bad memories of my past of being told I was ugly, and putting off the unhealthy beliefs that they are telling the truth. I have come a long way and have created my website to help others on their journey of healing. I am praying for you. God Bless.

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    • Thank you for commenting! Honestly the whole reason I made my blog is to inspire others to say how they feel and their thoughts. I just want how I feel and my story to help others. If I look in a mirror for longer then 5 seconds that’s when the bad thoughts come out even if I’m having a good day! I wish I could think differently I try to be as positive as possible but it doesn’t work. Thank you for reading 💛 God bless you as well

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  7. I encourage you to visit my website, I have been on my healing journey for about 25 years and still healing. After reading your blog, I realize I need to work on my feelings of being ugly, not just externally but internally as well. I have been so blessed to continue healing ever since becoming part of the blogging world.

    I have written a small book about how God has healed my unhealthy beliefs, wrong thinking, and painful memories. Now I take this message to the county jail, and have seen so many wonderful transformations. I am so amazed how God has used so much tradgedy in my life to help others. To God be the glory.

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