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Be Still

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My mother and I were pregnant together. Two months apart. Like I said, she abused the baby that was in her womb. I cherished mine.

I was 15 and pregnant. Emancipation wasn’t legal anymore. I hated being in her house. We would fight, especially when she was coming down from being high or when she didn’t have any alcohol to drink. She would use people all the time just to get money for her bad habits. She would even sell her food stamps for drugs.

I got the everyday talk when she would hit her happy point “I’m so sorry I’m such a shitty mom,” ” I want to do better,” “you kids deserve the world,” blah blah blah.

But then she would hit her mean, drunk point.

“You fucking whore.”

“Your never going to amount to anything.”

“Piece of shit.”.

But really mom, who is the piece of shit?

Yeah I had a baby when I was 15, but at least I can handle it.

She would be belly to belly with me, face to face, screaming at me, almost punched me a couple times.

Why though? To call her out because she’s so wasted with a 7 month baby growing in her womb.

Or the fact she would get high on crack. She honestly thought this was okay for Angelina.

I hated her for this.

Angelina didn’t ask to come into this world, but my mom was to busy self sabotaging to care.

My mom is my inspiration only because she showed me what not to do with my life. Hell yeah I have a few drinks, but I know my limits. I will make mistakes, but I will never let my kids go through what I went through.

I will forever cherish my kids, the way my mom couldn’t cherish hers.

Such as Angelina. She only knew her for about a year if that. Angelina is 6 now.

I bet she’s so beautiful. I wonder if me and her have anything in common?

All of my siblings were taken away from me. I’ve tried to have a relationship with some of them, but some of them didn’t care because they are mad at the world. Understandable. The others I don’t want to disrupt your life because you might hate me for not fighting harder.

Johnny, Brenden, Ayden, Jaydeah, Angelina, Sebastian, Civannah, Kane, Haley; I hope one day we will all come together again.

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I’m a mess, a loving, caring, working, try to put my makeup on everyday, always smiling or to exhausted to function, mess. But it’s okay I wouldn’t change it for the world. Follow my journey, you and I will figure things out together!

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