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Losing Yourself


My mother was a beautiful strong independent women. She was in a marriage that just didn’t work. Her now ex husband, at the time was heavy into pills and his addiction just got worse from there. He was a good guy, he normally meant well just never wanted to get help.

My mom left and found this amazing 4 bedroom apartment. Big kitchen, big living room, but most of all I got my own room! Being in 3rd grade at the time that’s obviously like heaven for me! I even got a walk in closet so when I would throw temper tantrums, I remember barricading myself in the closet then accidentally falling asleep. Funny times we had at that apartment.

My mom was doing so well for herself. She had boyfriends, most of them weren’t good enough for her. Then came Gary. Oh Gary, I hated you from the start. My mom fell for him and fell for him fast. He seemed okay, but he gave this vibe that I couldn’t describe. I just knew he wasn’t good. But hey, what do I know I was young.

I always had my head on straight. I wasn’t able to just be a kid. When Gary came around I had to change.

Before I knew it we were moving. Mom asked us if that was okay and the only reason I said yes was because it was a house. I never lived in a house before so of course I’m excited…

Until we moved in. I remember this day like it was yesterday.

We were all moved in. How exciting right?

No. My mom and Gary had friends over and they were forcibly making us stay upstairs. Why? I just wanted to hangout and have fun too! So I screamed I yelled at Gary. He’s not my dad, he can’t make me stay upstairs when it wasn’t even late. After my little scream fest I decided okay, I will go with it, then investigate.

Its finally quiet so I go downstairs, look in the living room, nope. Look in the kitchen, no, so where could they be ? I haven’t been in the basement before so why not take a peek and adventure. As I’m walking down the stairs there’s this very burnt sweet smell, still kept going anyways. I open the door and see a bunch of people, but then my moms running at me.

“What are you doing sweetie?”

My moms not my mom anymore. Where did she go? Why does she have a weird overly smiling face? Why is she being abnormally nice? I don’t like this. Something is different. I got the sense that tonight was the night I lost her. Why would she surround herself by people who did drugs? I just didn’t understand. My mom cared so much about us. She loved us so much, cared for us, and would do anything for her kids. Why would she want to give that up? Was it because I was a handful? Did I not help her enough? Maybe she really didn’t want us, or life was to hard she thought she could maybe deal with it if she did drugs?

That’s just it though, that night was the night my life would forever be changed. I would never get my mom back. It’s been 13 years and about 2 months since I lost my beautifully strong willed, perfect mom. Maybe one day she will find herself. Her making that one decision impacted all of our lives. I watched her be beaten by other “boyfriends”. Drinking at 5 a.m, forgetting she even had kids. So I had to take care of them. She kept having babies from different men when she couldn’t even take care of herself. With my youngest sister, she still did drugs and drank everyday. My mom and I were pregnant together. It was horrible to watch her abuse the child in her womb and I couldn’t do anything about it. The day she came home from the hospital after having my little sister, she picked up a bottle of liquor on the way home, then I took care of Angelina. I was so joyous and loved her so much. All mom wanted to do was drink. Things weren’t ever going to be okay for these kids. So I thought. My mom signed off her rights for them.

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I’m a mess, a loving, caring, working, try to put my makeup on everyday, always smiling or to exhausted to function, mess. But it’s okay I wouldn’t change it for the world. Follow my journey, you and I will figure things out together!

3 Comments Join the Conversation

  1. This is painful, but I must say – From that little age you got an extra-ordinary understanding.. Things are gonna be fine..
    And i firmly believe that your love for your mother will make her life great too..
    Never hate a person for what they did.. The stories are deep hidden inside the past !

    Liked by 1 person


  2. Problems do make us strong. You’ve been introduced to such at a young age. I am pretty sure you have grown to be a stronger woman.

    Liked by 1 person


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