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Enough?

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When I seen him it was like my whole future flashed before my eyes. He finally pulled into the right driveway, and as nervous as we both were our first reaction was to just hug. And hug we did. We went on our first date just non stop talking. Non stop laughing. Those are the best times. I can definitely say I felt like I was in a fairytale and I found my king.

Things moved fast, but it wasn’t fast for us. We loved so hard. The “I love you’s” came within a week, the moving in together came within a month. He asked me to marry him in 3 months. Him and my daughter clicked so easily. He treated me amazing, so why wouldn’t I?

He loved a child who wasn’t biologically his, but she’s all he knows. He’s such a sweetheart and fatherhood just came so fast for him.

I remember he had a Mitsubishi Eclipse and he sold it almost right away because it wasn’t safe for my 2 year old. Like I said he was instantly in it just as much as I was.

After about 6 months of loving hard, we started hating hard also. A lot of insecurities came out on both ends.

One of mine was that growing up my mom was a drug addict, and an alcoholic. She kept having children that she couldn’t care for well, so I had too. She treated me more like her best friend then a mom. But she would say horrible things that made me feel like I was never good enough. That’s how I lived, I still feel that way. In this big world I feel so small. Things that happen to me I put a side because they are small and I think I shouldn’t deal with it. But thats just it, I just deal and don’t fix. I’m very hard headed.

When we would fight I would either yell and say harsh things and try not fix them or shut down. I’ve gone through depression, I still go through anxiety, but when Jon and I would fight every time I feel like I’m not good enough to love. I don’t deserve a lot. But he loves me so why can’t I stop feeling this way? It’s safe to say that I’m still growing and changing. My mom and I don’t talk anymore but that’s okay, I need more positivity in my life. She weighed me down so much. I do love her and she knows that. But she never loved me enough.

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I’m a mess, a loving, caring, working, try to put my makeup on everyday, always smiling or to exhausted to function, mess. But it’s okay I wouldn’t change it for the world. Follow my journey, you and I will figure things out together!

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